5/27/09

releasing faith...

a little over a year ago, a writer whose work i've admired, gave me a 20 dollar bill. i put it in an envelope, which i labeled, "faith money"--a self promise that some day, like this writer, i too would be living my dreams. i also promised that i would not spend this money unless i had absolutely no other choice; thankfully since that time, i've had other choices.

and then, this morning: i thought about how within the last year, i have repeatedly placed my self belief at the mercy of others' judgment--often deciding that my failure/success depended upon their support. this afternoon, i spent the money. finally. but before handing it to the cashier, i wrote on its face: "all the faith you need is already within you." may this find the right person at the right time.

5/19/09

tekere, tekere!

this, "tekere", is my favorite song by the marvelous salif keita; i dance (sitting, standing, lying) whenever i hear it. and the women in the video make me proud that i am one of them. watch the one at the 4:26 and 4:55 marks--she knows she's got it. and it's so good to have it. the confidence of her body makes me smile...

5/7/09

keeping on

this, posted as an advisory above the bus windows:

please hold on. sudden stops are sometimes necessary.

today, i find this as true for life, as for the bus.

and as i type this, i spot on the back of a young woman's tee:

este es mi tiempo.

and so it is.

5/5/09

in/out the body...

about a year and a half ago, as i committed more seriously to the process of trusting myself, and what i know to be true, i began noticing my body's reaction to the people, things, and events in my world. my sense of knowing resides within my gut: when there is a lurch, a tightening, or a scattering, i know something is awry, even if i can't articulate the what, just then. i sometimes say to friends that i am less moved by what a person says or does, and more by what i feel about him/her, within my gut.

these days, my ongoing lesson is expression--speaking, doing, and being who i truly am, as opposed to what i imagine is more acceptable or pleasing to whomever or whatever i am facing. in turn, i am finding that the more i allow myself to be whomever i might be, the more room i have for others to be themselves. i grow and heal more when i discover who others really are, than when i hold them to the ideals i've imagined.

as i am more committed to saying what is true for me, and doing what feels right to my soul, my gut is settling, and even more love meets me on my path.

5/4/09

ai du

what he does with that thing, always makes me smile. and he sings:

"trust and faith in your fellow man has no equal.
if you have experienced trust, you know its strength.
you must know yourself to know others."

unwilling club dues

a recent conversation with my mum, who often uses yoruba proverbs to explain things, makes me think this:

dear misery,

i no longer love your company. so, please stop calling me, texting me, emailing me, asking me to join you--i don't want to.

willingly,
joy

5/3/09

butterfly is still emerging

on a day when each dream was too slow, or not at all, "butterfly is still emerging" was the front page headline of the san francisco newspaper that was in every driveway/lawn of the street on which i was jogging. and because i believe in signs, that sign is now taped to the back of my bedroom door so that when i beg, "when, dear god, when?", i might remember to look up, away from my angst, and see that it's all in process after all.

i am here: sorting it through, anticipating the what is next. and this summer: my short story, "unaddressed," appears in the special fiction issue of the antioch review.

i haven't had patience as a virtue, but now am ready to try.